This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before
you get to the response letter, you won’t stop once you start.  
This is an actual letter: State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It
has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A
permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.
The Department has been informed that
one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams
of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at
this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please
notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your
full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this
office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A
couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining
two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While
I did not pay
for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be
highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building
materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could
ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.
 
These
are the
beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think
the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If
you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have
several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling
them dam names.
If you want the damed stream
'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers --
but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In
my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and
enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So,
as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In
conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The
bears are not careful where they dump!
Being
unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you
on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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